the hidden truth

im gonna make u so proud.

2009-11-25T21:26:00.002-05:00

i hate u.
i hate that girl in the mirror
the one without the shine in her eyes.
where did the one who held it together
the one who smiled until it hurt?

please come back.
it's time to show them
show them i can do this.

existance

2009-11-22T23:19:00.001-05:00

all i seem to do is exist
never really live.
happiness is what
brings purpose to life.
now i seem so hollow.
without your love
all i seem to do is exist.

smile

2009-11-08T11:31:00.001-05:00

ive forgotten how to smile
can u teach how to smile again ?

common sense

2009-11-07T09:48:00.001-05:00

wat common sense..
im slow
im deaf
im jst dumb
wit no brain
or common sense

i understand skool
but i nvr seem to show it
im dumb i kno
no need to tell me...

in reality

2009-10-27T22:29:00.001-04:00

the looks i show off
decieve u all.
the smiles dnt mean a thing
their worth .001%
of the smiles he gives me

you believe i live quite happily,
in all reality, im quite opposite
though i try my best to get by.

lately my insides turn out
and the emotions run about.
people see what i feel now
& they could care less.
ignoring these feelings
ignoring what i am.

ignorance is bliss in their eyes.
but theres only so much
i can leave behind these eyes of mine
and wipe away memories
etched into my heart.

ahh..

2009-10-23T23:23:00.001-04:00

abusive..
the past points
to a strong possibility..
yea..sad to realize.

we all float on

2009-10-18T09:31:00.001-04:00

after long talks
u leave me wantin more
uve made me smile
a true ginuine smile
i missed that
i love that about u

its hard to let go
nd go back to reality
i wish u were here
wed be inseparable,
unstoppable.

but then again,
wen we separate,
we wud be so shattered
so lonely

so much worse
than we r today.

im scared to let go
i love you so much.
plz dont ever go away.

open my eyes

2009-10-10T21:17:00.001-04:00

if wat i feel isnt love..
then tell what its like..

i took that damn questioniere
nd i passed ; i was in love.
but it slipped away
as well as that relationship

now my love is questioned.
i say it so easily..really?
i nvr knew. it was hard
the first few times..
cuz well i ddnt mean it
at least not then

i fell in love
so quickly..
so easily..
so blindly..

now im here questioning my own love.
shudnt i be so confident of my love
but now ur showing me a new light

is it love or jst another lust for affection
isnt it love if i fall in a slow quiet sadness
wen i talk to you less nd less?
wen im in my lowest point of sadness
i am alone crying for you,
crying for you to hold me tight
and stay with me through the night.

isnt it love...
i dnt know anymore.

but i know i cud never feel wat i do now
for you , with any other person in this world.

wud u believe me wen i say it?
i need you now..
plz.

ahh..

2009-10-03T09:32:00.001-04:00

& we interwined
in love

2009-10-02T14:41:00.001-04:00

seas of grass
feel jst like ur hair
against my fingertips
as i stroke it so gently
as if u were there beside me

i wished

2009-09-22T22:07:00.001-04:00

i wished you were the one there.
the one who laid you head to rest
upon the desk, enveloped
in you cloth covered arms.
the one whose eyes flutterd shut
in hopes of a gentle somber sleep.
i would have held you
laid you head upon my lap
and stroked you face
until you rested peacefully.

oh how i wanted to touch him
believing he wad you in his place.
but i remained silent
within those moments.
silently day dreaming of you.
as reality and life continued on
and soon..i contiued on too..
doing my best to lock up that day dream
for another day, for wen it shall be true.

far too long.

2009-09-22T19:50:00.002-04:00

i need you touch.
quite honestly honey,
i don't wanna be a little whore
no, not anymore.

i want to feel more.
i wanna ever so deeply want to feel
i wanna go to heaven with you.
making all that love with you.
i want to feel you soul,
give a little bit of myself to you,
hoping you'll do the same for me.
never taken, but given through love.

it's been far to long since
i've felt you that way.
it's been so long since
we've been that way.

i just want to hold you tight.
so damn tight.
i want to be so crazed for your lov
i want to fall into tears.
i want to be vulnerable,
beneath you only.
& once you've reached heaven,
i wanna be the one beside you
comin down back to earth.

it's cold in this house.

2009-09-22T18:36:00.002-04:00

i shiver and shake as i walk down the hall.
barely putting one foot in front of the other.
it's awfully frigid, especially the floors.
as i walk on my tippy toes,
i feel where all those miles of walking in heels,
my feet tattered, so sore, paid the price
for one day of beauty.
each step brings another drop in tempurature.
each step, slowly, freezing me, inside out.
each step, stoic and empty.

i walk up the stairs, the chill feels even colder.
this house is so frozen & isolating.
i don't want to be here. i don't call it home.
the empty spaces leave me wondering,
what has passed through these halls,
who will pass them, days long after i'm gone.

will they call this their home?
or will they live how i do,
in this house frozen & isolated.

where am i..?

2009-09-21T20:10:00.004-04:00

i feel like i've fallen out of place.
like i've fallen of this earth.
fallen deep into space,
there's silence, but sometimes
i hear the chatter of ppl around.
it sends me crashing into earth once more.

im in class, that quite frankly is a bore.
all are. but hey wat else can be done.
i dnno y it is i feel i am in isolation.
i wonder if ppl see it, i doubt it.
but none the less im still
missing them dearly.

with every bit of me, i drag myself to skool
i do it for them, cuz i know they want
a future for me, but i do it for me to cuz
i dnt want to end up like most of these
ppl in this god forsaken town.
the ones who never leave to travel
the world, hell i traveled to placin
they dream of, nd quite honestly,
it aint all to amazing to me.
at least wen ur alone..

so if ur expectin entuseasm from me,
dnt expect much, unless i fake it,
ull never see a smile on my face.
not in skool for the most part.
talking to them bring a true smile,
a true laugh to me, something
i yearn to feel each day..
i miss those days with you both.

im so weak, i dnt know y i feel this way.
i guess cuz ur who make me strong,
or rather, u two hold me up.
sometimes i wish u ddnt, so then id toughen up.
cuz this world isnt so nice, i know,
i wish i cud feel the real pain,
feel complete sadness, so then..
i grow wiser, stronger, more independent.
& never to take things for granted.

i cnt lean on u both forever.
its time to be strong nd
stick it out to the end.

u dnt kno me

2009-09-21T20:10:00.001-04:00

if i think jst ciz we talk everyday
means u kno me so well then
ur simply wrong.

dig deeper jst look in my eyes.
do u see happiness?

half the weeks over

2009-09-16T20:29:00.003-04:00

nd i dnt really know where it has gone.
if i were to think up wat happened today,
my mind is blank, for nothing is memorable,
not unless i take a minute to think of my day.
talking, music, laughing, joking, smiling..
average stuff, but somehow it feels so hollow
like ive lost wat made it so meaningful,
so happy, jst like the past 2 years.
maybe it is because she is no longer with me.
maybe so, it most likely is.

i know myself well enough to know why
i feel such emptiness, such a hollow mind
with much knowledge to learn.
i know i must do my best to get by,
but sometimes thats not enough.
some days my emotions get the best of me,
eatting away my conscious mind,
sending me into an empty abyss.
my day goes on, but im lost in some other land.
somewhere empty, nd endless.
somewhere no one can find me.

lately ive slept my after noons away.
then when night fall comes i am an owl.
noternal, nd aware of my surroundngs.
yet a heavy haze is set upon my eyes
nd my mind, lulling me, making me
attempt to toss & turn my way to another
interupted sleep. sleep never comes easy.
i must work for it.

there i may escape my life that i live,
escape what i've pretended to be.
i want to run away to them, for they
they are my true family i love so dearly.
they will care for me endlessy.

but i must not, for it is not time.
i must wait my turn patiently.
hoping time will slip me by,
nd hoping time will not eat me alive.

dearly beloved. i wish to love you endlessy
i wish to be with you til eternity.
but how long must i wait to see you.
for i miss your touch, my mind ponders.
wondering how it feels under my skin.

like electric? so gentle yet strong
what does it feel like to touch the one you love?
explain it to me, for i dnt know of this touch.
it still remains as a fairy tale in my dreams.

hurry quickly time, i need them.
i need them with me soon.
i am selfish, but i am patient.

so it is

2009-09-15T23:31:00.001-04:00

we do share similar thoughts
nd it pains me to see her
so broken nd confused
if only i cud comfort her
if only i cud take away her pain.

she is my best friend
we may act differently at times
but share the same emotions
wen one feels sad the other is to
like identical twins sperated at birth
our telepathy does not limit distance
it is in our hearts that we comunicate
consiously or not this is wat true friends
feels ; they feel as one.

time to get serious

2009-09-15T00:30:00.001-04:00

time for me to create goals
i hardlt ever complete

As less Bs
tagalog
read more
better my vocab
work around house
stop slackin
get my act together
get over myself.

colapse

2009-09-07T13:43:00.001-04:00

the tears begin to fall again
seasons r beginning to change again

i wokw up to a chill in the air
the autumns chill has caught up to me
its beginnin to freeze my heart up again

i hate aseasonal depression..

so contradictory

2009-09-03T22:04:00.001-04:00

wat i dnt get is that
wen a girlz sexually active
shes a whore
but wen a guy is
hes a pimp

bad vs good
cuz girla r meant to be
innocent
while men can be
pigs

gosh pisses me off sometimes
since im not as innocent as
ppl proceve me to be
but at this point pretty much
everyone knoz in my grade knowz
i aint a virgin more like a whore
since they kno i used to be
gettin some every day

gosh i miss those good old dayz
i got hooked on him fasttt
well he learned fast so i gotta love that
i swear the real shitz gnna be
fuckin amazinnnnn as heaven
nd ill be even more addicted
than i am now damn

id force him to like come over
or hide in my closet so then
yayyyz fun time ;]

i miss them hr or 2 secesionz
damn ican imagine it rit now
in my room..rit here with me

gosh i miss him
i want his touch
whether sexual
or not i need his
warmth on my
skin now please
right now plz
gah self control
damn

imaginationz an amazin thing
mhmm..

2009-09-02T21:37:00.001-04:00

loving someone isnt the hard part
its wat u do with that love
to keep it going strong
or let it burn out

sigh

2009-09-02T05:55:00.001-04:00

sometimes at times like this
i wish u cud jst read my mind
maybe then it wud make u
change ur mind about how u feel

i know my apologizes now invalid
so wornout it dnt mean a thing anymore
so i dnt think i can even say it
cuz itll jst faze rit through u
like everyother thing i have to say

cuz ur hurtin so bad nothin will change
the situation i wish i cud be brave like u
i wish i cud say how i felt instead
i jst keep it all to myself..

im not cut out to express how i feel verbally im a loser at that
which means ill nvr win a fight
jst another experience worth learnin from..

i miss you nd i wish i cud jst rewind
nd fix all my fuck upz cuz
i nvr meant to hurt u or him.
ur my everythin my reason to excel

at this point i feel like im losin drive
were am i going?
wat am i gnna do..without u.
i still need u as my mare in my life
nd no matter how much i say it
things might not ever change..

r we not marez anymore..
or r we jst fightin.
maybe ur better off with a better person
someobe who can take care of u
nd mke the effort to tak to u
nd speak up wen needed

i wish i cud be that person but im not.

you

2009-08-30T04:16:00.001-04:00

you do wat u do to me
i jst wanna hug love
nd kiss you over nd ovr
again love

u have no idea how i feel
wen i think of u like this
nd i dnno how to explain to u
why it is i love you so
but its jst crazy how i feel
sometimes like im goin mad
from loving nd missing you so

gosh i wish i cud share
this bed with u tonight
or every night if u cud
having u hold me nd
snuggle so close to me
makes it feel so safe
like im in heaven

u kno ill have a sweet
dream tonight with
you here <3

i love you boii
nd i hope u feel it too

we were there.

2009-08-26T20:23:00.000-04:00

"it's ok to remember him.
Lock up thse thoughts away
in a box & place it in the
corner of ur heart & from
time to time, you can open
the lid of the box & take
a look inside." - bokura ga ita manga

this quote really spoke to me
wen readin this.
it made m think of him
& truly realize that it's time
to move on with life.
u dnt need to force urself
to forget because doin so
give the implus to no forget.

"we ddnt do anythin wrong,
we ddnt fail, nor we lied...
the memoriez, the thoughts,
time has changed it all.
vows to wounds..promises to tears..
a dear person into a dear memory..
inside the eternity."

once again another quote
speakin to me once more..
on dayz were i roamed the streets
tears burned my eyes,
as my mind wondered upon him again.
thinkin im a horrible person.
i lied to u, i dnt love u,
not in that way, nor am i with u
any longer, i lied to u sayin
i loved yu forever..
the guilt grew risin up my throat
with tears in the corner of my eyes.
god i never felt so low as that.
but readin that made me feel better
nd made me be able to move on again.
cuz yes at some point i did love him alot
nd at some point i wanted to spend
forever with him. & at some point
all those promises i wanted to keep so well.
but now timez have changed nd now
im in love with another, who makes me happy.

those 2 struck me so strongly
this anime/manga made me cry.
it takes a lot to do so, but
if it relates to me tears alwayz
fall. love is such an amazin thing
& such a hard thing to forget
wen alone. this story is so
confusin nd sad, it brings
a realistic story to animation
unlike all those cheezy stories
u expect to happen.

this depicts the true story
of love, not jst the happy
but the ugly side of love.

my fav anime of all time.
beautiful truly beautiful.

though u no longer hold my heart
ur still held very close to it.

pretty ok day

2009-08-25T23:43:00.001-04:00

i found some ppl to be around
for once
maybe things r gettin better
jst wen i needed it most

maybe i can make it
witout falling part completely
thanks god. :]

sometimes i wonder

2009-08-25T02:24:00.001-04:00

wen those tears i shed
do they feel a pang in their chest
do they feel my pain?

sometimes i wonder
maybe thats the case
after the tears ran dry
i spoke to her & lifted me
of my horrible mood
bringin me good news

wen i heard i was excited
but a moment later sadend a bit
for spring is a long ways a way
nd waitin hurts sometimes
u never let me bathe in the sun
i hate u for it bringing down
each chance ice queen dominatrix

u r wat u r nd i cnt stand u.

self destruction

2009-08-25T00:12:00.001-04:00

u pressed the button again
nd now im fucked up once again
i dnt need this
u make it so difficult for me
y r u still here in my mind?
u still get to have ur way
cuz u kno i cnt do it alone
with them gone u can do
watever u want to do to me

im far to weak to fight u
nd i will finish u off someday
that day is a long ways away
nd i wish it wud jst end tonight
i want u gone jst leave

uve ruined everything i worked for
now i must pull myself together
once more after each time
uve broke me down
another point to u

0 for me. fml.

im on a bipolar spiral down
self distruction after another
how long will it be till im left
in jst mere ashes nd rubble?
each day seems to be becomin
more agonizin than the last
with each bit of control slippin away

away from my grasp onto u
no one left to fight for me
jst me nd u once more.
shud i shout for help?
or shud i fight u off alone
or will i jst fall apart
before the battles even begun?

so ive been told

2009-08-24T23:58:00.001-04:00

the weak must suffer
so someday
they may become strong
like the others who love them.

wat makin love really is

2009-08-23T23:50:00.001-04:00

beautiful feeling
its not always jst
the mutual physical
feelings but the emotional
as well if u find the partner
ull love so deeply in your heart

the unity ; completion
the closeness u feel
toward the other person
the amazing power nd
feeling of love nd passion
nd everything ur lover feels
every touch every kiss
every moment jst timeless.

love love love
the beautiful
act of love.
cheerish it
dearly my love
jst as u cheerish
me daily.

i love you love.

aw man

2009-08-23T01:28:00.001-04:00

i wish i cud have gotten ur emailz
but somehow u dnt remember my email...
i dnt think it was that hard
i mean uve gotten an email from me
more than once

but u tried since u sent one twice
a day..*sigh* u tried so thats all
thatt matterz i wished i cud have
read all those emails from u
maybe ull forward them
if not hopefully ull get it rit this time

i love you & im scared of wat
the future will hold for us
i pray its something happy
i trully do asawa.

wow a yr ago..

2009-08-22T19:51:00.000-04:00

dayum his pics from a yr ago & im suprized i got a comment about it jst yesturday sayin r u really naked *nose bleed* uh ok.. & some other guy was sayin he wanted more of these pics nd to show him uhh HELLZ NAH PERV the point of this piece was the vulerability or bein lonely is like bein naked etc for goodness sake the title was

"when i need you the most" & the discription said,

"you can't be there.

When will be the day you can be?

I hope you can soon,

for i don't know how much i can last..."

ok so this dmn pic has nothin erotic or anythin like that goin on its jst a pic of showin how much i missed him so..plus kay &* well at that point in our relationship it was gettin worse nd worse so yea im jst like wow dudes i dnt even kno wow.. i dnt think i plan on doin another nude shot anytime so if its gnna be this way..jeez it was jst me expressin my creativity for once...

goodnight good morrow

2009-08-22T00:29:00.001-04:00

someone im extremely happy for her
she seems be very happy about this one
cuz shes pretty open about him
im happy she seems happy

shes seems to have picked a sweet guy
i hope hell be true to her
nd treat her how shes supposed
to be treated cuz it wud hurt
to see her heartbroken again
cuz if shes hurt i am too
shes my best friend of course
shes so important to me

it makes me miss derek a little
since we dnt have so much
cutenss anymore i miss him too

but none the less im happy
for her cuz it seems shes
happy nd thats all i cud
every ask for thanks god
im thankin u for this all :]

im super super fed up with it

2009-08-21T18:29:00.001-04:00

omfg like since wen did ppl get so bad
like honestly im jst sick nd tired of it
like u cannot believe i had nooo fuckin idea how pissed i am like honestly
the ppl who talk shit have no fuckin
idea who their talkin about since they
dnt even KNOW me or kay
in the first place

how dare they talk shit about us esp kay cuz she fuckin straight up & real wen it comes to wen she doesnt like soemones attitude or their fakeness she will have no prob to tell them to their face

so fuck the damn haterz nd fake asses im done with makin friends with them urg fuckin rkdkelslqpfn bitches

watchin them

2009-08-21T15:11:00.000-04:00

i want to perform
i watched abdc
& it made me remember
cheerin nd wat not
i was lookin for my cheer
videos & i cudnt find thm
it saddened me cuz
those were the last moments
of my perforomin career
[not that it was a career in the first place]

i miss learnin routines
& performin my heart out
on that mat doin wat im good at
its an ego boost i guess u cud say
cuz i love the attention they give me
i was always the example
for wat a good jump or flip
was i looked embarrased
but deep down i loved every bit

now im stuck with nothin left
low on self esteem again
jst like they used to be
cuz im never gonna turn back
never gonna cheer again
cuz i promised never to

ive seen wat it can do
to a relationship
that was barely holdin on.
i wont let myself do that
to him, never, never again..

wow

2009-08-20T21:00:00.000-04:00

ur a huge mess.

get over urself

& grow up damn.

mental break down #?

2009-08-19T18:47:00.001-04:00

how many so far this summer
who knoz..
i jst miss you guyz
yall r my everythin
nd now its like time out to a 5 yr old.
take the toys away cuz they were bad
cept wat did i do that was so bad?

is it karma to all my awful preteen yrs?
i thought that was over..
guess not the past bites back
like it hasmt already
each day my past just
takes a piece of my sanity
my reason for happiness

fight tonight

2009-08-19T10:50:00.001-04:00

my bad sides seepin out again..gotta be positive..
im such a bad optimist.
i cnt do anythin right right now cuz i cnt talk to u im in mental lockdown with the person i dnt want to be with most..myself.

im my own worst enemy..

dont let me get me.

lets see whos gnna win the fight tonight..

wats it like

2009-08-19T10:43:00.001-04:00

to be so busy
u dnt talk anymore?

i miss you quite terribly..

wtf

2009-08-19T08:33:00.001-04:00

thats some crazy ass
fuckin dream
i almost got killed ?!
knives?!?

wtffff
time to look it up in the dream journal

honesty nd credibility

2009-08-18T14:02:00.001-04:00

these days u really dnt kno
who the hell to trust anymore
ppl be talkin mad shit
over somethin they dnt
even fuckin kno about

fuck them 2 faced ppl
cuz karma be gettin them someday

have a nice life bitches :]

destinyz child brown eyes

2009-08-18T01:03:00.001-04:00

&hes missin me if hes not kissin me<3

im missin you like crazy,
so many love songs
but so little time to tell you

i havent told u all the things i want
how i feel ; how much im in love with you
but in the end u jst end up mumblin it all
to myself hopin one day ill remember
to tell you

things seem to be goin in the same wayz it did last summer but somehow

it seems different this time with you
that maybe we wont turn out to be
another broken down relationship
im jst hopin my gut is agreein with my heart this time

2009-08-17T03:34:00.001-04:00

heaven promises eternity
nd love will last forever

i need you forever
nd im happy ur do too
ur so wonderful
nd u dnt evn know it

iloveyousomuchasawa
rememberthatalways

thanks.

2009-08-15T01:38:00.001-04:00

at the end of the day
ur there to wipe away my sadness
any uneasy feelings melt away.
thank you for being here,
for caring about me
& for loving me.

i thank god everyday for having u here.
nd i pray that ull nvr go away.

bokura ga ita

2009-08-14T00:41:00.001-04:00

make him your memories
& let go...

your stronger & smarter
this..

only love
can heal a heart
hurt by love.

these songs

2009-08-12T21:41:00.001-04:00

make me wanna make love.

im in love with the way we fuck..

i want your touch, i need it now.

now..my body screams it

my eyes pleading

but i dont think you can hear me

i can wait just another lustless night

i need self control anywayz
ur an animal get it together

love

2009-08-12T13:04:00.001-04:00

stop acting this way
ur so irrational.
im so glad i found you
made me see the better side
of life. thank you :]

how patethic

2009-08-11T23:38:00.000-04:00

layin in a bed
half naked
in the dark alone.

silence
tick..tock..
the clock plays
stuck on repeat
what has happened?
tell me where did you go?
i lay here in my bed alone again.

i miss you
cant you see
cant you feel it?
im sure you can
but this distance..
those 1000 miles..
keep you away from me.

no matter how much i want you
your not here
not by my side
all i do is day dream
daydream of us sleeping
and dreaming warmingly
beside one another.

but that wont happen,
at least, for now.

rxj

2009-08-10T22:25:00.000-04:00

"because if you love too deeply you cannot bear the pain of its loss"

i love romeo x juliet

home

2009-08-06T03:16:00.000-04:00

home from cali..
lots have gone on over thinkin it again ashley..go me. stupid bitch

urg.

2009-07-21T22:45:00.000-04:00

i'm selfish..wats new?

all over again

2009-07-20T20:53:00.000-04:00

i'm filled with silent tears
save me from my emotions

oh how i need you so.

2009-06-18T20:02:00.000-04:00

your body belongs next to mine, can't you see it in my eyes?

i miss your touch babii..

2009-06-17T20:30:00.000-04:00

I'm on edge, craving you.

Come closer, i want your warmth. i want to feel you by me, all through the night, instead of these bland nights of searching through waves of checkered pinks and hot pink, reaching out to touch you so tenderly. even for a moment.

come a little closer, just mile by mile, you'll come back to me.

love in loud poetry.

2009-06-11T20:26:00.000-04:00

You all just want to see me cry..

How you anger me so.

peace.

well someone got their hand stuck up their vagina

2009-06-10T16:39:00.001-04:00

good morrow.

well someone got their hand stuck up their vagina

2009-06-09T16:39:00.000-04:00

i do it for the attention

2009-06-09T08:41:00.000-04:00

so love me .

I'm dying for it.

yesturday, simply skies away

2009-06-07T22:35:00.000-04:00

days like today have just left me,
like gone by.

good morning

2009-06-07T10:21:00.000-04:00

your still with me, but your not.

boy, i miss you terribly.

lay with me?

please..

bright nights

2009-06-07T09:50:00.000-04:00

tortured awaiting to get on with life,

family parties suck ass.

day 1

2009-06-06T11:56:00.000-04:00

photos of my daily life.

new cellular device. unlimited, life's good again.

damned heart.

2009-04-27T19:35:00.000-04:00

the heart clings onto memories
whether your mind wishes to keep,
or wishes to forget.

my heart does not follow.
rebelling in everyway possible.
the dark corner, the unforgotten,
merely the hidden carefully.

why do i not dispose of them?
aren't i the harsh one?
aren't i the one who finished it?
is it my conscience?
or is it my heart tellin me to keep it?

damned heart.
will you ever give into what my mind speaks?
listen to the mind, listen to his heart.
he's aching because of the unforgotten.
let go, let it slip away.
stop your lingering and forgive.
let him take you away.
let him save you from the unforgotten,
before you let it consume you wholy once more.

who is there left to trust?

2009-03-24T18:22:00.000-04:00

honestly wtf has happened to the
world we live in now? everyone
turned into such fuckin bitches
talkin shit about one another startin
rumors & drama for wat?! just cuz
they dont like ur attitude well i can
see y ur all fuckin bitches and i hope
yall learn ur lesson one day. i hope
one day all ur damn tears and fake
ass drama will finally make u realize

drama aint fuckin neccesary, ppl say
they hate it YET u continue to stay in it?
hmm i wonder y? maybe cuz u makin it
happen, talkin bout ur "best friend" behind
her back cuz thats wat everyon else does
rit rit? does anyone get it? that aint how
a best friends or friends in general gotta be
im not sayin to be all goody 2 shoes but
i mean the fuckin drama is jst fucked up
and sooo fuckin un-needed im so fuckin
happy that i got a few more years and im fckin
gone GONE BITCHES, PEACIN IT out
of this damn town for good.

aint so damn way ur makin me come back here,
a reunion, maybe, just to rub it in their damn
faces of how far ive come, how ill be a successful
business woman married to a doctor & livin
happily with 2 dogs and 3 kids in japan. fuckk them
theyll prb still be bummin it around the town
& in my mind ima laugh in their damn faces sayin
HA fuckin bitches se wat happens to u wen u do
all u did in high skool? ur some 30 yr old w/ just
a hs degree and wat else? 4 kids? ooooo real impressive
a babii maker.

gosh just gotta let it all go. fuck them im done
with fake ass ppl.

so damn numb.

2009-03-18T20:53:00.000-04:00

i just want to fuckin hit somethin.
i dont care as long as i can feel somethin,
feelin anythin.
im so damn numb, all i feel is the invisible
space. no matter how much i punch,
i feel nothin. not a fucking thing.

wanna pound my fists against ur chest

tell u no no no, this isnt happenin!

just like a 5 year old. let me hit u,

like those old movies,

youll just forgive me and wrap ur
arms around me, lulling me. its warm.
i can feel it on my skin, i can feel you.
and i close my eyes, there's tears,
hot tears streaming. when did they
get there...?

dear heart, where are you?

2009-03-18T19:24:00.000-04:00

come back to me - utada
brown eyes - lady gaga
forever - j-lie ft. laron
baby steps - varsity

i can't believe this..ur gone.again.
how the fuck could i have done this.
how could i fuck us up again. i cant
believe myself rit now. how..just how?

i want to be your everything derek.
i do, but i dont think i can provide
everything for you, not materialisticly,
emotionally. i cant tell you how i feel
for u, how i love you so. im still thinkin
about dan sometimes. you get upset,
so terribly hurt, [i can understand y]
it weighs my chest knowin wat the
outcome of the truth is.

i kno im no perfect person. im far from it.
i know im terribly flawed, it's quite obvious.
i wonder into the past far too much &
im stuck on a dead man. y? i love him..still.
you can't expect me to completely forget
about my first love. its like forgettin ur own name.
memories flash by me all the time, for most
i just let it be & fade, sometimes i have to fight
off the urge to be sad.

a quote i will always remember is:
"It takes a minute to have a crush on someone,
an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone."
it leaves me thinkin more and more about dan.

gawd damn i cant do this i can NEVER forget someone.
i will always remember. i hate it. the moments i want
to remember so terribly, i can never remember, only
moments when it's at my lowest, wen it's the worst
fights, the words that cut deep, [i hate you! i don't
love you anymore. leave me alone. i don't care.
i dont give a fuck. shut up. don't ever talk to me
again.] thats wat will always remain in my mind forever.
no matter the time that has passed, it shall remain.

i thought that life was beginning to change. i thought
it was goin to be better, todays happy day for goodness sake.
cant my day go rit? it's become the opposite. its one
of the worst days of the year.

this poem i stumbled on long ago now fits well with
the situation i live with now.

http://beautifulseverance.deviantart.com/art/how-selfish-can-you-be-113700993">how selfish can you be? by BeautifulSeverance

maybe i should rumage
through old belongins...no it would hurt far to much.
i know wat lies in that box now, ill never forget words
ive said, words i never knew i said.

fresh.

2009-03-17T17:48:00.000-04:00

midnight eyes - donnell shawn
on & on - utada
dream - ne-yo
say it - voice of theory

after reading a few of these old posts
i saw how miserable & selfish i was.
i am still selfish at times i know, i
can aknowledge that, but the misery
has left me, only leavin me with
moments of sadness and nothing more.

i will no longer linger upon my past.
no longer shall i stay in a constant
battle with myself, i can't deal with
that for the rest of my life. i've learned
from others that there's better things
to do in your life than just sulk around
& think so negatively. We do not deserve
to feel this way because there is always
someone out there living a worse life than
your own so we should think about that
before we complain & think negatively.

i'm happier, healthier, emotional wise.
i've also become more religious after
he passed away & since my confirmation
is gonna come around soon. it never really
occured to me til last sunday in church when
i thought of the sins i've commited, the hurt
i've caused, which caused my guilt to rise.
but i looked up and thought of you, how this
is far from what you want me to be, your in
heaven & your happy. thats what matters.
then i realized your what made me believe in
a real heaven, an eternal life. forever.

you turly made me believe now that i can
really be with derek forever, i know i have said
i want us to be together forever, but i was
never 100% sure of a future forever with him.
but i realize that there is such a short time
on earth & after in heaven it's forever with him.
nothing will change that. it amazed me & i thanked you.
you helped me again. even though ur not around
you are still around in my mind. sometimes i dont
want to cuz it makes me sad, and i wanna stop
but i think of you & think of wat u want me to do
& i stop thinkin negatively & more positively

i dont think i could ever say these words outloud
no never, the words would lose its worth. it would.
i can never speak words ive written aloud.

new.

2009-01-28T14:57:00.000-05:00

beautiful esacpe - donnie j
how will i know? - keke palmer
away - corey gibson

new year. new boy. new love.
new alot of things but is their
true happiness along with it?

all u wanted was my happiness
but i cant even do that cuz
im still thinkin about u..i thought
i could do this. am i givin in again?

no i need to fight for this
do this for me, for u, and esp him.
i dont want to hurt him anymore.
i dont want to hurt him ever,
i dont wanna make the same misakes
i made before with u.
i want to show him i love him the way
i tell him, do i? do i show him love
and passion that i lacked before cuz
i was to busy thinkin about u still?
i hope i show it. i really try to show it.

if i break his heart and hurt him
like i do somehow and itll be over for good.
i wont date anymore..well at least for a
good long while. ill leave myself in seclusion.
im doin all those guys a favor, savin them
time and their breathe on words that would
break them in the end. i dont want to hurt
ppl. i dont want to hurt anyone anymore.
y do i hurt ppl..? y do i anger ppl, esp
those i love the most..i dearest loved ones?

i dont seem to undersand y all this happens
do u understand y? is it cuz it just happens?
y cant i learn lessons ive been taught so long
ago? y cant i fix myself? y am i so defective
wen it comes to relationships with ppl?
maybe ill figure it out one day. just need
to do wats best for each day. think a little wizer,
a little faster. hopefully ill figure it out.

i think ill stop

2008-09-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

i'm gone - pussycat dolls
hush, hush - pussycat dolls
will work for love - usher

hearin that story makes sense now.
im not going back to winter season,
i was iffy to it but now i think im pretty
final on it. i kno he doesnt want me doing
it & ur not gonna stop me cuz it makes
me happy. cheer isnt all to much anything
anymore. i dont really benefit just gettin
fit but i dont get scholorships from it.

i..i dont want him to hurt him & make
him hurt cuz of me cheerin. he loves
me & wouldnt breakup with me for
cheerin but still i dont want him to feel
sad or down cuz im a cheerleader.

i want to stop it now, im sure my team
would hate me for sure, but idrc i dont
like most of my team anywayz, just some
freshman r cool. ill find somethin else
for me to do. im doin this cuz i love him.

im sure theyll say she was so good, she
could have been on varsity or somethin
cuz alot of them tell me so, but its alright
i can go do somethin else. im tired of their
practices anywayz. *sigh* im gonna miss it.
but its for the best im sure

time to make a change

2008-09-18T21:34:00.000-04:00

i know i havent done the best that i could for u
so i changed & fessed up to them & they had
a talk, but the didnt say exactly to stop talkin
to u, just a little less. come on now i already talk
to him for very few hours each day.

i stood up to them & it made u happy, even though
we werent together again. i dont want to keep
doing wat i did so from now on i will do wats rit.
i am gonna keep standin up cuz i do love you,
& i really want u to believe it.

then i wronged her, well we both did, but i could
have prevented it. damn my agreein ways. i hurt
her. i hurt the 2 most important ppl of my life.
this changing this is offical i will change god damn it.

i will change for the better, i will stand up & fight for it.
i will be a better mare & wifey i swear i promise i am
goin to better myself for the both of u since all u guys
have ever done for me is be the best hubby & mare
i could ever ask for. i do look up to u guys for it, even
if u guys dont kno that. i do love you both, if i didnt,
then i wouldnt have done this.

takin to much and givin so little

2008-09-13T10:25:00.000-04:00

goodbye - secondhand serenade

in pieces - linkin park

can't cry hard enough - sam milby

stay - tonya mitchell

i hurt u, really bad. an apology cant fix this im sure of,

but i dont want to be makin the same mistakes ive made

ive been makin for the past 5 months. i knew that either

way we would both lose in which ever dission i choose.

its over. i cant believe it cuz keep wat im feelin in,

no one notices thank gawd cuz i kno everyone will

be up on my case & ill end up cryin. i had thoughts of

u when i sat by myself, i kept in the tears cuz i kno

everyone will wonder y is she cryin? she doesnt seem

hurt. and all that shit.

i want to be with u so bad u kno that rit? maybe u

wouldnt believe that since i chose not to, but i really

do, i just dont want to keep hurtin u, upsetin u, makin

u sad. i cant take it wen it comes to hurtin someone else.

i dont care about my own feelins i want to concentrate on

ur feelins. all i ever want out of u is for u to be happy

& not just cuz i am, but cuz u can be.

i wish u didnt have to work so damn hard and spend

so much money on me, u risked ur health for me.

damn it y do u have to do this. i feel like i just sit

her and look pretty & thats all ill do. i told myself

i would get off my butt and somethin for him, but

its 5 months too late for that now.

ur the one who can make me truly happy and

probably the only one ill love that way. ive decided

im goin to better myself, for u. i want to be able

to keep up friendships & make friends. ill do it.

i really will.

im so confused. if theres nothin to sacrifice, its not love.

then wat does that mean? i dont love you? i guess not.

but y is it that my chest is hurtin? plz explain to me

y i hurt.

i wonder if ill ever tell any of u guys about this blog.

i wonder how ull think of me, i wonder if u guys

would look & feel sorry, or think im just a selfish child.

either way, i am who i am im sorry if it turned out to be

somethin u didnt expect.

finally over.

2008-09-13T07:07:00.000-04:00

broken heart - donnie klang
pick it up - donnie klang

u said it was over. i didnt want to believe it was u this time.
but i knew i was just foolin myself wen i think its not u.
but u ended things & u kno i understood, but it doesnt mean
i dont hurt. things have been goin down hill for so long
& u gettin down on ur knees beggin for me to take u back...
it hurt to reject u. i only did it cuz i dont want u to be doin
all that u do that im totally oblivious to. i dont want it to be
unfair to u but maybe we can be together again later on in life,
wen ive done a little growin up.

i really hope he understands y i chose to do wat i did,
cuz i did it for us. plz forgive me for hurtin u so.

stupidity & selfishness has overdone it again.

2008-09-04T15:31:00.000-04:00

falling down again - donnie klang
hollywood girl - donnie klang

wth is wrong with me? am i that selfish?
im so stuck on those words Y?! wtf y?!
i mean i feel so stupid now for crying as
much as i did for somethin that wasnt
happening. wowowowowowow is all i can
say. i dwell to much upon the past, i need
to move on & learn from wat has happened.

i could have lost him, just a warning sign,
i need to pull my wieght in this relationship
since i want it to work so badly. wow im acting
just like them, no effort yet they still want to
be with me. wow. look wat ive become from
selfishness. this needs to stop. now!

im sorry

2008-09-03T12:55:00.000-04:00

please be mine - jonas brothers
beautiful lie - 30 seconds to mars
someday - nina
i dont love you - mcr

most of our probz reside in me. im sorry
for being so selfish & spoiled. im sorry
for putting u through all the shit, for nothing.
i dont want to give up on us, since id just
be running away & takin the easy way out.
i want to work this out, but ur not there to
talk to me.

i want to stop myselfishness. i want to stop
hurting in general. i cant cry it all out, its
not possible since everyone would surely hear.
we're still together, but this has deffinitely
been the worst of our relationship so far.

falling out of love is deffinately the worst,
we both hurt wen u said "is it possible to
love 2 people" its hard to resist love, theres
only so little time before u finally give in
and let it all go. i kno u decided u dont love
her that way, but ur brain has said, but idk
if ur heart agreed as well. u cant go against
ur heart, esp urs since i kno its so strong
with love & passion & sweetness.

my hearts been weakening. its starting to
empty out, become void of my emotions
except love & loneliness. no longer happy,
i guess u were rit u dont make me happy
like u used to. im no longer happy hubby
& i thought u were gonna be the only one
to keep me happy & save me, maybe for
only a little while, at least i know wat its
like to be happy & carefree even for a litte while.

erg.

2008-09-02T19:38:00.000-04:00

take on me - a-ha
i have a dream - mama mia
simpleng tao - gloc

all damn day. gawd plz i wanted to go to church.
but i was afraid of somethin bad happenin, but
he didnt talk to me today, i hope nothing bad happened.
for real this time. my heart hurt so bad, i dont kno y,
most likely cuz of yesturday.

why is it when i need you the most,
you never seem to be able to be there?
my hearts aching so hard for you,
i'm ready to fall to my knees & break down,
but then again what good would it do?
no one will pick me up except myself.

look wat u doin to me babii.

2008-09-01T19:50:00.000-04:00

soba ne ure ni - thelma aoyama ft soulJa
disappear - no angels
can't let you go - samantha jade

idkk anymore. this situation makes my decision into
takin a break more likely, cuz rit now were falling
apart & drifting. times like now make me want to
walk to church & just pray. pray for god to help me
through it, cuz rit now i cant do this on my own anymore.
lord i need you to pull me through this cuz if u cant,
then idk wats going to happen to me. this wasnt the
5 month i was hoping for. i think ill get up real early
tomorrow & walk to church & just pray. hopefully they'll
be open & nothins goin on then.

never believed

2008-09-01T13:24:00.000-04:00

here we go again - paramore

in all this time together, i always thought
id be the one to fall out of love with you.
i cant think rit now. i didnt want to believe
kuya, but i wanted to hear it from u to
be reassured he was wrong, knowin in the
back of my mind i know the answer.

i know i should give u time, but wat if
it just lead u away from me? i guess
its meant to happen if thats the case.
ill live & be alright. i promise you that.
im still gonna live my life as it is now.

i have to.

2008-08-25T14:00:00.000-04:00

energy - keri hilson

i kno i need to get this off my chest
before it's too late. i can barely stand
not talkin to u for so long. y have the
relationships ive had have always
had a big distance between us. i thought
this time, i wouldnt have this again,
but i was wrong. but i stay with u because
i truly do love you.

sometimes i wonder wat its like to
have an on and off switch to my
brain. theres time like this wen i
want to turn it off, so i can stop myself
from hurting.

we can barely talk now. i want u back,
but i kno that cant happen. wen i begged...
deep down i wished for u to give in and stay,
but i kno u cant do that. u cant stay back,
just for 1 girl. theres my selfishness again.

i need to talk to u soon, i need to ask.
first thing i ask u wen we talk tomorrow
i have to ask. i have to, so maybe we can
work through this.

day after day

2008-08-24T11:03:00.000-04:00

wisdom - gran ronde
the birds and the bees - breathe carlolina
yesterday - leona lewis
angel - leona lewis

another day and not another word spoken to u.
my heart hurts... is something wrong? i really
dont want to worry, but i cant help but think
somethin bad happened since their was nothin
said & here i am still waiting for u, like i said
i would.

these days now, we just talk less & less. i wonder
if this love will just slowly just burn out & we'll
just forget about each other slowly. these days now,
i just go back & think of yesterday, the past, wat
i wish to have back with all my heart. it seemed like
they were all a dream, i wonder if i can dream once more.

hoping and hoping and hoping...

2008-08-23T12:50:00.000-04:00

dark blue - jack's manequin
when i pretend - jordan pruitt
waiting for you - jordan pruitt
when she loved me - jordan pruitt

i really hoped u would have talked to me today,
but at this point of the day im pretty sure its
not gonna happen. but i guess its alright...

i got up early to finish my stuff & after i just
waited...thinkin oh its too early for him to
talk to me. then...more waiting...thinkin hmmz
he'll be on any time now... continuing to wait...
hes not gonna talk to me today.

so i was happy for nothin. i really hoped on talkin
since we have some unfinished business. but its
alright i guess... i wonder have u forgotten me?
my heart hurts from all the waiting and thinking.
i want u, i miss you & most importantly i love you.
i want to relive those moments i cherish most with u.

my carefree days of getting up for skool & the second
i was up i would speak to u to the second i walked into
skool. then once u came back after skool we would talk
til u made me sleep. and those talks til 3 or 4 in teh morning
those r the days i wish i could relive once more.

i guess we lived past our "newlywed stage" in this love.
but wat is it from here? where do we go from here?
so many unanswered questions & all i want is to be with u.
but do u ever sense that wen u speak to me? do u sense
my strong feelings of lonliness & missing you oh so much
it hurts me now? i just wish that u could just appear in front
of me, i kno i would reach out to u & start to cry & hug u,
then maybe slowly, my feelings of lonliness & sadness will
go away like i always hoped for.

just remember

2008-08-22T22:01:00.000-04:00

boom box - hyper crush
the love we got karina pasian
yesturday - leona lewis
let go - olivia lufkin
tears & rainbows - olivia lufkin

ive come to believe ppl who
r depressive or emo tend to
be selfish of some sort, well
at least thinkin of me. u say
ur alone, u have have ppl all
around u there to help u and
to listen to wat u feel. also i
feel that i want to talk to them
all the time but i kno they already
try hard enough to just talk to
me with so little time that they
do have, but i always crave for
more of them. i want to keep
their attention all on me, but
who can keep their full attention
on 1 person?

i just need to get used to the fact
that things cant be as they used
to be, im always gonna keep fall
back on those memories, all those
good & sweet times; those days
wen i was care free & truly happy.

but now a days i feel like im struggling
for happiness. its not longer that care
free happiness i had felt not to long ago.
but understandable since we cant be how
we used to be now that times have changed.

u have no idea how much i want to go back
to how they used to be, but then again i kno
if we can stand this long battle & several
challenges, i kno its truly meant to be. but
if my love ever begins to faulter its mostly
because of my selfishness.

that wen i need to let go, not for forever,
but just for a little while & learn to accept
myself for wat & who i am & learn to see
y u have fallin for me.

dont ever lose faith in my love for you, you
should know by now that i will always love
you, always & forever, u just need to give me
time to figure myself out. just remember im
going to come back again one day, ur love give
me my reason to return.

shit.

2008-08-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

i hate endin a convo without
a good bye. i still want to talk
it out so i can have some sort
or reasurrance and maybe
find a way to fix things up with
us and fix myself up, but idkk
if im ready to tell u the truth.
im high maintanant not neccisarily
with gifts, more on attention.

shit i cant talk to him til the weekend.
this isnt goin well, im gonna be misserable.
but i need to think positive and get myself
prepared for this. think positively and
help my team out and keep my problems
to myself, naturally.

mother fuckker

2008-08-19T12:38:00.000-04:00

it hurts so much to here u yell.
esp at me. i cant stand that.
i guess my hiding finally hurt
me in the end.

i have such big ups and downs,
deeper downs than high ups.

now ur ending this. i wonder for good.
i really hope not. ive gone threw wayy
too many fake break ups and this one
hurt real bad. how can someone kick
someone when their already down.

i kno he didnt mean it. but things like
that cant be ignored so easily. u cant
just laugh it off. i wonder if kay will
yell at him or somethin. my heart
hurt so bad after it all happened.

this will take me deeper into the darkness.
i really hoped it wouldnt, but i guess theres
nothin for me to do now. just let it all heal
up or talk to out tomorrow.

flash back to way back wen.

2008-08-17T21:07:00.000-04:00

if only you knew - olivia lufkin
let go - olivia lufkin

thinking back to that time with u.
brings back alot of memories i had
choosen to forget. new years. it
was happy, until u told me those
3 words to me. at that point, u just
toally ended with me without knoin.

those days where probably my lowest.
those days i talked to u less and less.
it hurt my heart to be this way, but
i didnt kno how to think since i was very
naiive, but i learned from that.

it was hard to speak to u after i ended
things. i didnt kno how to live with myself
doin how i did for a whole month. "there's
never a right time to say goodbye" is
very true. during those days i just kept
slowly sloping down lower and lower.
i cant remember wen i hit my lowest, but
i know she was there rit there with me
trying to help the best she could.

jessie reminded me the day we met,
it had snowed hard. maybe if it hadnt
maybe u would have found me. but
maybe it was god's good idea to do so.
i believe he was right, but then again,
maybe if i had met u, i might have
gotten the guts to break up sooner.

but i kno things happen for a reason.
but sometimes i wonder wat would
have happened if i did end up talking
to u. i wonder wat would have happened
if u did end up talkin to me on teh
fone that day.

once again, i wonder to much. it
ends up leading to expecting way
too much as well. if only i could stop
myself, it just ends up hurtin me more.

i wonder.

2008-08-16T23:20:00.000-04:00

bleeding heart - olivia lufkin
if only you knew - olivia lufkin
cut me free - olivia lufkin

i never knew holdin a child could mean so much.
holdin such a tiny little hand in my larger one,
it made me feel so cared and loved. i wonder
wat its like have such a fragile being sleep beside
u everyday. i wonder wat its like to wake up to
u everyday. wen i do have a child one day, i
want to feel how i do wen i had her in my arms:
a warmth and lovin type of feelin, feelin of
dependance of me, responsibillity to be gentle
and loving towards another being.

sometimes i want to know will i become a
good mother to my children one day. i kno
ull say i will be, but i wonder if i really will.
i dont want to feel like the worst mother
wen they say "i hate you" to me. i dont want
to break down in front of them, i dont want
to show im weak, i want to show i am strong
so they will be strong too, just as my mom
as done to me.

i wonder wat u would say to the
things that ive said. i wonder if u would be interested
in wat i say, i wonder if i could get everything
i want to say off my mind, but i wonder if
thats to much of me to ask.

havin someone like u around means alot.
ur one of the family members i do care
about cuz u do show u do care for me.
even though ur not my full kuya, u will
always be my kuya to me. i like spendin
time with u, its fun and can be relaxin.

i wonder if he could understand that.
i wonder if u do care wat i say. i wonder
to much, but i want to kno. i search for
knowledge, i do take pride in learnin
in skool, although i may not try my hardest
all the time, i still do learn from it all.
i thirst for knowledge and experience.
i guess its in my genes to yearn for more.

not today

2008-08-16T10:07:00.000-04:00

winter sleep - olivia inspi' reira (trapnest)

today is ur party, so i wont cry
even if i wanted to. i can hold this
in til its all over. its a happy day
so i can do it for one day, just for today.

idk y i expect much out of u.
there must be a good reason
for u not answerin me. no load?
u said ud buy some just to talk
to me. maybe u didnt get it?
maybe...it hurts not to talk to u.
where have u gone? did u have
fun? i hope so. r u happy? i hope
so too. i want to give u all my happy,
but i dont kno if u would accept that
from me.

no dont cry. not now. pull it together.
ppl r comin, theyll see u. u dont want
that now do u? just make it fast and
pull urself together at least for the
rest of the day. alright i can do it,
at least im wishin i can.

i need your love.

2008-08-15T14:39:00.000-04:00

i need you. or maybe anyone will do.
no i need someones loving touch,
the one i wish for so much.

i hope u dont feel sad now too.
but, maybe i do. i want u to come
back as soon as possible, but
i dont want to tell u. i dont want
to show my selfishness anymore,
even if it does hurt me inside.

save me from myself.
bring me back to the light.
no. i need to make it on my own,
its for the best.

i hope nothing bad happens to u.
its been so long since ive spoken to u.
i wonder if something bad has happened,
have u been injured again, or worse. again.
and maybe its for real this time. i hope not.
i want to go to church and pray for u.
and pray for me, pray to less selfish and
make it without u.

y...

2008-08-14T23:06:00.000-04:00

rose - anna tsuchiya inspi' nana (black stone)
keep it down low - rbd
i remember - keyshia cole

everytime i watch nana it just keeps me thinkin
do i still love you? it breaks my heart to think
that way, but do i? hachiko is a character i can
relate to. shes lonely and she thinks of herself
before her bfs in the past until she meets him.

i dont want him to of my own feelins before his own,
it should my responsibility to think of his before mine.
y am i so selfish? do i still need to grow up? is he not
the one? do i love him, just not enough? wen we get
to speak again, i dont want to appear sad again, i thought
i was fixin myself, maybe it was just my act.

y does love have to be so complicatin? this is wat
we both feared for, with this long distance relationship:
fallin out of love. i never wanted that, but its so hard
cuz i just want ur touch and feel u close to me, maybe
i wouldnt feel so numb and cold.

i wonder if u feel sad now, i wonder if ur crying too.

ugh my head

2008-08-13T11:36:00.000-04:00

recorded butterflies - Olivia inspi' Reira (Trapnest)
nothings going to take my love - Olivia inspi' Reira (Trapnest)
a little pain - Olivia inspi' Reira (Trapnest)

do i kno wat i want anymore?
i want to become independant,
but i dont think its possible for
me, or at least at this age. i have
no income or a job. ill get some sort
or income beginnin skool with a $20
allowance but that doesnt cover alot.

i want to learn how to cook and clean
and make my own way in this world.
but thats not really possible at this age.
should a 15 yr old girl be thinkin this way?
im young and naive, i kno im gonna go through
plenty of rough times in the future wen i do
get to make it on my own, but do i kno how bad
its gonna get? i need to learn to think of others
more, its evident in NANA. i dont want things
to end how things ended with nana(hachiko).

i kno if i dont show my love and finish, things
could be like that. i dont want that to happen.
i dont want to make him unhappy, far from it.
but its possible i might need to leave him, well
at least for a little while, not forever, to fix myself
up so i can be ready to love him fully and not
have him think of me before himself, hurtin himself
inside im sure. i always say sorry, but im sure thats
not enough to fix things.

i dont wanna hurt him, but i wanna show him
i can love him fully and not leave him so un-
happy. i cant think. my minds goin crazy from
all the decisions im able to take. so many things
on my list to do and idk if i can find the time to
fulfill it all. plz dont fail me. keep it up and keep
it goin for them. do it for them and maybe i can
make it out there and happy and so can they.

me me me

2008-08-11T12:46:00.000-04:00

i'm reaching out to you,
but all i seem to be grasping is thin air.
i cant seem to find my place,
i don't know what i want.

Do i want you?
or do i just like the idea of you?
things seem to change around me
and i'm starting to look at life a little differently.

i want to make it in this world without help.
independance is what i need.
i don't want to be needy or so dependent.
i want to deal with my shit head on and fix it.
i know im gonna make plenty of mistakes while learning,
but isnt that the point?
learning from mistakes and growing.
how can i learn if there's no one there to teach me
or where to start?

i guess its all down to me now.

reoccuring thoughts

2008-08-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

rose - anna tsuchiya
i don't want to miss a thing - aerosmith
dark blue - jack's mannequin

i just want u with me so much.

i want to feel ur warmth on my skin.

i want to feel u touch me, hug me,

kiss me, hold me, just anything that

can make my numbing melt away.

i've been void of the feeling of a human

touch that i want to cherish, something

that feels so caring and loving, somethin

magical. somethin that i want to keep

forever and never let go of. plz let me

feel it, i want to kno wat its like, show me.

im no good with words wen it comes to

tellin u how i feel and how much u mean

to me, but wen the time comes to see u

rit in front of me, i can show u, show u

how much i love you and how much i want

u and missed u all of those years. cuz

i kno ill give u all of my heart once i feel

ur warm touch. i love you soo much and

ill keep missing you until your here in front of me.

is something really wrong with me?

2008-08-10T15:16:00.000-04:00

winner - karina pasian
slow motion - karina pasian

sometimes i wonder if something is wrong
with me. do i have any medical problems?
i get headaches, i get dizzy wen i stand up,
i have problems remembering what goes
on from a few days ago. i've been over eatting,
i've gotten chubby & its been aknowledged
several times, i try to get into that perfect bod,
loud noises make me confused for some reason,

wat is wrong with me? y is it wen i need someone
the most, no one seems to be around? i dont wanna
worry them, but their the only one's who care about
me and who i truly trust.

more cracks

2008-08-07T13:09:00.000-04:00

catch me i'm falling - toni gonzaga
crazy for you - toni gonzaga

almost lost you again. you said
it so easily. "we can't be together
so sorry" but i made u choose.
do you love me or god more?
and thats somethin i hoped u
would change ur mind over.

wen there r situations wen we
break up or somethin bad happens
i kno in the end were gonna be together
but the part between the problem startin
to be in together hurts even though it ends well

a worst case senario

2008-08-05T13:32:00.000-04:00

let me write out all my sins for you .
i left my purity for marriage but
no longer. its gone. i'm no child.
no, no, i dare not speak that to you.

i've led a second life, for you.
i hid all my sins away from them.
they think of me as a good daughter.
but no longer am i what they prized for.
i've lied to you. i've given you excuses.
i hope you will one day forgive me.
for what i've done wrong to you.

sometimes i wish i could turn back,
back to when i forced myself into this mess.
back to when i was still pure, filled with truth.
can't i take it back? i want to take it back.
but i know in my head, with what little truth
i have left in me, the truth is, i can't take it back.
i can't go back in time. i have no powers to do such.
nor do i want such powers to toy with.

sometimes i don't wish to take it back,
sometimes i wish i went on further, for you.
push me in the right direction and i'll do as you wish.
don't be so kind and force me, get rough with me.
hurt me, do what you wish to me; cuz i know in the end,
all i want is to give you your satisfaction.
i'm your little rag doll to play with.
i'm here left in the dust as you,
find your new barbie doll.

you say i am a barbie doll?
i am far from that perfect body.
i'm just mere skin and bone, not plastic.
oh how i wish i could mimic every curve.
every beautiful curve you lust for.
you cannot deny that fact, i see it in your eyes.

Even as you look into my eyes and say that
phrase every insecure girl wants to hear,
i know your still thinking of that barbie doll,
your eyes filled with lust for her. you want it,
so you close your eyes and imagine her,
you imagine you touching every little curve,
every little curve you desire to touch and hold,
i stare up at you, hovering above me,
touching me as if, as if i was really loved.

Your touch, so warm, so loving, yet i know well.
i've learned from previous acts, your touch is not
meant for me, it's for your precious, unattainable
barbie doll, but here you are, stuck with the dirty
old rag doll; Happily ever after.

all i wanted

2008-08-05T10:58:00.000-04:00

shimmy shimmy quarter turn - hellogoodbye
until the day i die - story of the year
without love - hairspray

all i ever wanted was for
things to go back to how
they used to be. the cute-
ness that made me sooo
incredibly happy. those
sweet words u used to
tell me wen we started
goin out. those little things
made me smile so increbily
much makes me smile
and cheeze cuz sweetness
and feelin loved is all i want
from u. i love you soo much
i hope u kno that & im sure
it wont ever change no matter
wat happens to us

you know that i love you

2008-08-04T22:16:00.000-04:00

soba ne ure ni - thelma aoyama ft soulJa
disappear - no angels
can't let you go - samantha jade

i dont get wats happening to us.
i feel like we cant get through
a convo without somethin inter-
upting us. i hate it i absolutely hate
that. today wasnt my day.

but u thinkin i didnt wanna talk to
u?! wth i smiled u talked to me i was
just suprized since ur not on this
late. we were in the middle of talkin
things out then ma pops out of fuckin
nowhere and says can i plz look at somethin
stupid shit i dont want but i kno u
cant wait on me forever to talk to me

i guess its watever. we seperate then
slowly drift and fade away like barely
anythin ever happened to us. i dont
want that happenin to us. today i feel
like im gonna crack. break down again.
for the maybe third time this summer?
i just dont kno how much lonliness i can
take again. i felt the feelin of love and
warmth from u 2. i dont want to be feelin
the cold and sadness i felt before u 2 again.
not again. no no i cant do that again.

grrr

2008-08-02T22:43:00.000-04:00

bad girl - danity kane
eternal love remix - ddr

wat do those mother fuckers
think they r? y do guys play
with girls hearts & feelins?
y? do they find it fun?!

wen a girl thinks u like then
& the dude really does like
her, god damn it show it
& dont be playin no games
& actin like u have no clue
where the fuck she comes up
with the idea cuz u kno sure
as hell u be playin with her
feelins

everyone has their own reasons
i kno that. i just wish guys would
find a different way to let it out
& not turn into players or flirts.

i can never fully understand some-
ones perspective until i actually
have done it. i may say i understand
i try my best to put myself in their
situation to see where their comin
from & think of not doin somethin rash
& find a reason to y they did wat they
did & see if its worth puttin behind
& fixin things up.

true friends r hard to find

2008-08-01T23:16:00.000-04:00

you can count on me - a rocket to the moon
dear june - nickasaur!

i need someone to confide myself in.
i cant tell her cuz shell tell him for
sure. i need someone new to confide
with, help me cope by just tellin how
i truly feel & preoccupy me.

maybe i should visit a shrink idkk i
always wanted to visit. i mean i would
feel akward at first but i get confortable
and feel open enough to tell how i feel
and how i can fix things, well i kno how
to fix things just that i refuse to do them

i need my own personal phsychologist.
i wish i had one, but those ppl cost
some money. i need money for the things
i need: laptop, camera, clothes etc

for some reason all these songs keep
comin up on shuffle that fit my situation
im feelin. rather ironic, is itunes spyin on
me or somethin? wtf.

well watever this days almost over. finally.
tomorrows a new day, time to learn somethin
new & grow from it

maybe its just an intermission

2008-08-01T15:28:00.000-04:00

this is love - rbd
heaven on earth - brittney spears

so maybe this act isnt over just yet
u all havent seen the full sadness.
its just a warning sign to curtain time
& i need to pull it together.

maybe i can turn this around. wat i
really want rit now is the book pur-
pose for the pain by renee from
twloha. that sounds amazin to me.
i wish i had the money on that card
to buy it, but sadly not enough cash

ill ask for that for an actual present
on somethin i wanted or maybe ill
trade in money for there on their card

but u made a promise, i wish u hadnt
made it since its all my fault for wat
is happenin between us. i need to get
it into gear and focus. do wat needs to
be done. even though im not really
wantin any wen ur around, only wen
ur away. my sadness slowly goes away
wen ur around. and wen ur gone it
all rushes back. all i need is to preoccupy
myself and get out of this fuckin house
and get some real friends.

he is a perfect hubby to me, i wish
i could have told him that. i should
learn to say wat u need to say, or
else it may be the last thing u will
ever get to say to that person again.

fin.

2008-08-01T14:15:00.000-04:00

goodbye - miley cyrus

i cant help the way i feel
ive bottled it all up again.
y do u have to kno me so
well. "uve changed"

i guess my act is coming
to an end soon. i wish
i could keep it up longer
it was so much fun.

i guess ill put on another
one someday. an even
better one for all u out
there.

y do i keep it in again?

2008-07-31T17:14:00.000-04:00

movie: love actually

wow i feel kinda stupid for doin so.
but am i the one ruinin this relation-
ship cuz i dont tell him everythin?
damn it. ugh, i dont wanna ask for
much, and he does so much for me
already, i dont wanna be askin for
more than wat i give him which is
almost nothin. i feel bad for how i
treat him. his friends r rit about me
i do treat him badly. ugh. im sorry

there is so much of this i wanna tell
u, but the only thing that really keeps
me from sayin this all is that: i dont
want to bring u down with me for my
attitude, askin for more than i could
ever give u, i dont wanna tell u, cuz...
cuz im afraid that once u kno everythin,
ull leave, or ur mind could possibly
change about me.

i dont want u misserable bein with me
or ppl always tellin u to leave me, i
need to prove somethin, i need to make
u happy, i kno u already say ur happy
bein with me, but i kno that theres only
so much u can take.

i love these romance movies, so adorable.
but they also hurt. it gives me a permanant
reminder or wat i cant have for a long time